Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Outside Smoking


Outside smoking. A nice enough man approaches me and says he is from Nigeria. He just arrived in LA two months ago. He is looking for a job and requests that I bless him. After an awkward beat where I break eye contact and look off int the middle distance as I consider what the hell is even happening right now, I reply, "Sorry. I don't think I can. I'm not religious." He repeats my answer and then goes down a list of religions. "Nope. Nope. Nope." He asks what do I believe. I motion to the sky and go, "This is it."
He takes that in, I sense a shift as he re-composes himself, then he clarifies that while that is interesting, what he meant when he asked if I could bless him was could I bless him "with cash" since he's still trying to get a job somewhere. "Sorry, I don't have any money on me," is where my sentence should have ended, but I went on to volunteer, "My job's ending in a month. I'll be looking same as you."
So then we got to talk about that for a while. "Dissolving my department" was re-explained as "closing up shop." Then he brightens up and assures me that God has a plan, etc. I politely nod again and again. "Mm hmm. Mm hmm."
I make eye contact with a driver of one of the oncoming cars let loose from the traffic light at the corner. He's giving major stink eye for no discernible reason. Maybe it's just his resting face.
He asks if I can spare a cigarette. I cannot. I leave my pack inside my apartment because I get asked so often outside on the sidewalk. I would've given him one tho, but them's the breaks.
He's a musician. He plays the congas. He sings. He's a pretty happy guy. I don't have a single thing for him and I'm done volunteering information about myself.
As he begins his wrap up, some 60-something year-old WASP-y lady in white pants and a teal blouse passes by us, proceeds up my apartment building's walkway, stands at the precipice, looks up at the second floor windows and starts shouting, "HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO? HELLO?" I don't hear anything being said to me.
The musician from Nigeria puts his fist out for a bump. I return it. He says something about God has stuff in store for us all and we must not give up. I reply "The only way is forward. Take care." He turns and resumes walking down the sidewalk.
Inside my apartment, the chicken in my oven is now burning.

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Feeble Cursed Ones: Darker Days

Bonus- here's the mock up I initially did using photos of my characters in order to get a feel for what I was working toward.

Feeble Cursed Ones 4 (of 4)

My character Kajus from Dark Souls 2. Part 4 of 4 in my Feeble Cursed Ones: Dark Days homage to biniman's Lordran: Dark Days homage to the album art of Gorillaz' Demon Days, which itself was inspired by the album art of The Beatles' Let It Be. ^_^

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Feeble Cursed Ones 3 (of 4)

My character Müllenkamp from Dark Souls 2. Part 3 of 4 in my Feeble Cursed Ones: Dark Days homage to biniman's Lordran: Dark Days homage to the album art of Gorillaz' Demon Days, which itself was inspired by the album art of The Beatles' Let It Be. ^_^

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Feeble Cursed Ones 2 (of 4)


My character Chemin from Dark Souls 2. Part 2 of 4 in my Feeble Cursed Ones: Dark Days homage to biniman's Lordran: Dark Days homage to the album art of Gorillaz' Demon Days, which itself was inspired by the album art of The Beatles' Let It Be. ^_^

Feeble Cursed Ones 1 (of 4)

My character Dunross from Dark Souls 2. Part 1 of 4 in my Feeble Cursed Ones: Dark Days homage to biniman's Lordran: Dark Days homage to the album art of Gorillaz' Demon Days, which itself was inspired by the album art of The Beatles' Let It Be. ^_^

Update: Bonus image of Dunross wearing her helmet properly.

Friday, March 27, 2015

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Child-Proof


"As we all know, kids will eat anything, especially pills. They will stop at nothing to get at them. It's probably due to the early-in-development appreciation for rattles, which I personally feel should be banned, but that's an argument for another day.
"Now, what else do we know about children? They're dumb. It's not their fault. It's just a question of experience. They don't know most things. But one day they WILL. However, today is not that day.
"That is why, ladies and gentlemen, I have invented and am pleased to share with you all, the child-proof cap! Surely, you're thinking, 'Child-proof cap? How?' It's simple. Yes, a child could pull a cap off. Yes, a child, given his or her druthers, could even twist a cap off. But what if the cap requires you to PUSH-- not pull-- the cap down, THEN twist and pull? Even with the instructions printed on the bottle (which I have done)-- the very solution to their problem in the palm of that child's hand-- they will not be able to 1) read those instructions, and 2) will not be capable of implementing the multi-stepped process due to their general, age-appropriate idiocy, lack of tactile coordination, and absence of patience, rationality, and critical thinking skills. My caps are a child's worst nightmare.

"I have designed several different variations of these child-proof caps and bottles that I will make available all at once to our proud populace of concerned child carers post haste, lest one more child get their hands on our adult medicines.
We have this push-down-and-turn variety that I just introduced. We have the push-in-the-sides-and-pop-the-top version for those looking for a gratifying sound to accompany a parent's delight that no child of theirs has made off with any pills. We have the hold-down-the-side-tab-of-the-bottle-before-then-unscrewing-the-cap version for those accustomed to cocking their sidearms. And for those adults who appreciate a good puzzle, I present to you the line-the-arrow-on-the-cap-with-the-arrow-on-the-neck-of-the-bottle-before-popping-the-top version.
"No child will master these medicine cap-equivalent riddles of the Sphinx. Most of you adults, I anticipate, will also be thwarted initially, and a good percentage of you possess all your faculties, fingers, and are literate. That is the brutally efficient effectiveness of my designs."
—Dr. Henry Proofenchild, M.D., inventor of the child-proof cap

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Inktober 15th


Portrait of Müllenkamp the Deprived, Disciple of Velka. My hexer/pyromancer from Dark Souls 2.

Friday, October 10, 2014